Random events

From UnRuneScape Wiki

Random events are annoying, obscenely common, and stop players for a mere 640 coins. Everybody hates them. NagGex said they implemented randoms to prevent autoers, but all it does is kill players with shitloads of cash or slow down skilling.

Random events include:

• Drunken Dwarf - Haggles for your attention by throwing rocks at you until you accept his offer of a shitty kebab and get pissed with him.
• Mysterious Old Man - A suspicious old man who knows wherever you are, and who likes to give presents to children. He is wanted for the disappearances of players who did not talk back to him.
• Potato Pirate - Hides in your cannabis patch, and will decrease its quality by farting consistently until he is removed by the player by throwing a joint, which he will go running after. Not really a random event, but more of a pest.
• Genie - One of the few liked randoms. Not to be confused with the Conversion Genie, who will try to convert you to whatever religion it follows. A Genie, however, has very limited powers, as it can't grant wishes beyond sexual desire. She-males love to exploit this weakness.
• Freaky Forester - If you're an animal rights protester, then you will hate the Freaky Forester. This very freaky man indeed abducts you, takes you to an unknown location and orders you to kill pheasants! The Freaky Forester should really be called the Mafia Mobster, as you're rewarded for killing what he orders you to kill. This trains your hitman (the name of which was recently changed to hitshemale to be less sexist and more befitting to the graphics of PruneScape) skill, and slightly boosts your nature disrupting skill, as does coal mining and woodcutting.
• Box of many shapes - While the box's name implies metamorphical abilities, all this box does is take up inventory space and/or multiply if you don't open it quickly. If you do open the box, you either get the Chuck Norris random or a puzzle a child could solve, involving 2D shapes plastered on a spinning shape which tries to look 3D, but fails miserably.
• Instant death - Chuck Norris appears and "grants" you instant death. As is common for Jagex, they changed their minds and later introduced another instant death option - death without warning; for example, you may have just finally killed TzTok-Jad, and you die for no apparent reason and re-appear back in Falador or Lumbridge with an accompanying message in your chat box: "Oh dear! We owned you!"
• Sandwich Lady - An annoying lady who attempts to kill players by overfeeding them a specific diet. If a player tries to take the wrong food, the player will be teleported away, and then banned.
• Chuck Norris - See instant death.
• Drill Demon - His name should give you a very clear idea of what he does to the people he abducts.
• Mental Certers - These so called "retired certers" approach random people asking them to identify what is on their certificate, despite how blatanly obvious it is. All the certers have been diagnosed with prolonged brain tumours. This may explain their retarded requests.
• Naughty Nymph - Many, many players succumb to her striptease, leaving them helpless.
• Rock Troll - A hippy troll obsessed with stopping the usage of fossil fuels, attacking players who even go near coal.
• River Troll - This one pops up anywhere except by a river, wields a deadly Boner Axe, which is dangerous to male, female and she-male players alike, all in different ways, depending on the troll's particular desire, which changes daily, becoming increasingly kinky.
• Zezima - A very rare random event indeed. One thing to keep in mind is that where there is Zezima, there is about 500 noobs following him and 500 she-males trying to molest him.
• An army of she-males that want to fuck you. This random is not to be confused with the bustling Zanaris Choir, who doesn't want to fuck you, but will gang bang you regardless, while shouting things to onlookers like "What are you doing? Leave us alone! We're not gang banging you!".
• The censor - The *ost com*on rand*m of al*.
• Maze - A favourite among cultists.
• Noobs - The most hated random event in the whole of PruneScape.
• Evil Chicken - An annoying hermaphrodite chicken that lays eggs. It takes out its sexual confusion on players, constantly debating with itself as it abuses players with its "magic attack" (similar to that of the KBD) as to which of the seven genders it prefers.
• Zombie - A (debatable) favourite among heavy metal fans, Rob Zombie appears and begins to educate horses, which is distracting and annoying to the player. Without player intervention this usually fails (just like any profession he turns to in real life), and the horses are driven mad and trample the player (they seem to have a preferance of killing noobs). After this, Rob Zombie gives up, begins to sing (or ask you whether you liked his remake/prequel of Halloween) and leaves, presumably to try another career.
• Frog - This is a great random event for people who like interspecies erotica.
• Tangle Vine - Also known as the Extending Vine or Pleasure Vine, this random will explore you like nothing else. Jagex just sits back and laughs at you as you struggle to rip off the vines descended from those horny vines from Jumanji.
• Watchman - This annoying loser pops up at random, mostly when you are being raped by a she-male, making the she-male rape him instead. In the end, the she-male's head will explode, and the watchguard will get pissed off, so much so that he will proceed to take out a shotgun and pwn you. After he has done this, he will embrace his necrophilia and rape the headless corpse of the she-male.
• Shade - A dead door-to-door salesman, employed by Spazex, who constantly rips players off with bad deals. This usually consists of the shade convincing the player to fight it, and if the player wins, the shade usually escapes without giving the player anything; however, it occasionally streaks and takes off its robes, attempting to kill the player with the sight of its body. If it wins, it sells the player an encyclopedia and curses the player with Jehova's Witnesses coming to their POH door for a week. This is thought to be one of the more dangerous randoms, sometimes resulting in player suicide. Gayjex does not share this view, and simply laugh when players are driven to the brink (or past it) of insanity.
• Jagex moderator - It has been said many times before, but this is possibly the rarest of them all. A player with a mouldy crown will appear and the objective is to make him leave. It is easiest with at least 50 players around. Keep asking him stupid questions until he says he has to go and you will win the random. The prize? A perm mute.
• Maddox - Maddox appears and kicks the player's ass. He will also pwn any she-males around you. To get rid of him, quickly run to McDonald's. He will eventually stop following you and go to Starbucks for a coffee instead. If you do manage to kill him, (he is level 2034 and has 4000 total HP) he will drop a cabbage.
• Doctor octagonapus - Doctor octagonapus will come and shout "doctor octagonapus blargh!" causing a shoop da whoop on you. This is instant death.

[edit] Random rants

The prunes of Guylinda have been complaining about these events recently. Here are a few very different examples:

[edit] 1. The Sk1ll3r

Dear JAnitors of Group EXcitement (Yes, I know your real name!)

I am 1337sk1llboy7331 and I am a skiller. I cut down Jews, fish some Monks and do other anti-religious activities but the random events have been against me. Is the Mysterious Old Man seriously a Jew 'cos I cut them down and he comes and puts me in a pinball machine where I get pumelled by deranged trolls. Please, let me put off randoms, I am not macroer or I wouldn't be sending this email. I'm no bot!

From 1337sk1llboy7331

[This is an automated message]

REPLY: Dear skillnerd; your membership has been removd and given to sum1 who likes us more and all ur partyhats r gone LOL. oh yeh one more thing.. BANNED! we has ur account

RE: REPLY: I have officially been owned by JAGEX DA L33T1STZ

RE: RE: REPLY: lol he pwnt!

[edit] 2. The Joob

hI JAGEX1111111ONEONEONEFIVE!!!!!!1!!11!!1111oneoneoneyellowpurpleQQQQQ!!!!

my usernama is NoobDude innit cool? i thot so cos evry1 lafs at it LOL!!!!! they luvs me!!!!
well bruvs, i must talk abowt sumin more dan my witty usanama lol!!11five11!!!! i am very witty cos i typ in one instead of ! bcos sumtimes noobs error and say 1 hahahahahhaa.
enywhey, i waz teleeported by 1 of mi fanz, Old Man. na not mystirius old man coz he and him r bluds so we dont fink eachutha r mysterious lol!!! i am his best friend! anygay LOL i errored but it waz a cool error, loaal!! anyway, Old Man teled me 2 a maze and i does not understund it! i cnt gat owt cos t3h dorz are hrd too see and i has been spending over 5mil days on it gah im tired and my pantiea ar wet. pls tele me out and take to me hotcamel. i am sur its not camelot cos thats a gay name!!

from noobdude

REPLY: Dear Noob, We are guessing you are a Jewbie? *Newbie hehehe... Anyway, we have awarded you membership and a special, one of a kind hotcamel teletab which takes you to the Kharidian Desert and defies Amazingly Random and Subtle Events. Your membership came from some skiller nerd well done!

RE: REPLY: fnx jaggex! i high alched da telee and i paid the 657mil i got frm it to a guy for him to help me out, somehow defying the trade limit for i am a total jewbie, and he ran off to g3t hiz frends to help me fanks Jaggex ur da best!

from zezima!! o i mean noobdude i shoodnt reveal my reeel name lol!!!!!111FIVE!!!!!